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ariker

I'm going Baptist

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Posts: 1851

(01/29/09 20:40:42)

To be honest, they have some good dating advice for men. Taken from Landover Baptist Church...

If you have grown up in a Christian home that believes in the Holy Bible, then most certainly, you have limited yourself to chaperoned dating until the age of 21. If you are truly saved, it is not until your 21st birthday, that the thought of dating someone without adult supervision would even enter your mind.

These tips are for Christian men, age 21 or older. If you are truly saved, you are looking for a woman who will serve you and who loves the Lord as much as you do. You are looking for a woman who has kept herself pure for her future husband and for the Lord Jesus Christ. You are looking for a woman who knows how to cook and sew, a woman who can keep house. You are looking for a woman who will not squander your income or lean toward gossip. You are looking for a woman who will submit and obey, for there is no other way for a marriage to honor God without following the strict Biblical principles that God has laid out for us in the Bible.

If you have found such a creature and she is not bobbed of hair, nor wont for excess in make-up or lewd attire, then you must prepare yourself for a first date. Here are a few tips to get you prepared for your first date.

GODLY SECRETS TO DATING SUCCESS

1. COMB YOUR HAIR
Head lice are very common among Christian men, especially Pentecostals. Although it is a normal and natural blessing from God to have head lice, you should certainly wash your hair before your date if only for the reason to avoid the temptation of putting your arm around the young lady while lifting to scratch your head.

2. PRAY
Spend the day before your date with at least 6-hours of solitary prayer in a prayer-closet or a confined area. Ask the Lord to guide your words and actions. Ask Jesus to help you control your lust and pray that you will have a nightly emission before the date, thus making it easier for your carnal mind to operate on a level that is strictly spiritual. Do not masturbate in your prayer-closet unless you are thinking about Jesus. Click here for more detailed spiritual guidance on masturbation.

3. PURCHASE A RING
Visit a jewelry store and purchase a diamond ring. For the Christian man, every date is a potential mate. If she is the right gal, you will want to pop the question as soon as possible. It is always handy to have the engagement ring available.

4. RECITE VERSES
When you are on the date, use awkward moments of silence to quote scripture, or sing a favorite hymn. All women are impressed with such things. If she is not woo'd by this, it is a sign that she might be possessed by a demon. Take her to your church and drop her off by the back gate with a note to the pastor taped to her forehead. Be sure to secure her to a tree or post using chains or rope so that she won't get away during the night.

5. SPRUCE UP!
Wear Christian cologne. The only Christian cologne available is "Betty Bowers' The Essence Of Christian Men." If you do not have any Christian cologne, rub your face in a Bible until you smell like the pages.

6. TAKE HER TO VISIT GOD
The best place for a first date is church. Oh, how impressed your sweetheart will be when she finds out you are taking her to Sunday evening services! Then, a romantic dinner at Denny's!

7. GRILL HER FAITH
Use the time at the restaurant to find out if your sweetheart is really saved. Question her salvation at least 15 times. Make sure she knows the exact day and hour (and preferably the exact minute) she met Jesus.

8. KEEP THE PASSION SUPPRESSED
If the bandage work on your penis fails in the slightest bit, excuse yourself for the men's room and re-adjust the harnessing.

9. PRACTICE YOUR LINES
Some Christian phrases that will help you "woo" the lesser sex are, "I'm almost as crazy about you as I am about Jesus," "Your long hair is the glory of your humility (I Corinthians 11: 11-15)," and "God broke the mold when he made your sweet face."

10. SQUELCH YOUR PASSION
If you have not had a nightly emission before your date, make certain that you take extra precaution. Use an ace bandage or knitting yarn to tie your penis back against your stomach or underneath your hiney. If you tuck instead of tie, make sure that the tip of your penis does not curl back far enough to enter the hole in your hiney where you go poopy out of - otherwise you might accidentally sodomize yourself and inadvertently become a homosexual.

11. AVOID TOUCHING!
Make certain that there is no personal contact (PC) on this first date. Even if she has said "yes" to marriage, it is highly recommended that you refrain from even holding hands for at least two years until the courtship is over and you are whisked away on your honeymoon!

Follow these dating tips for Christian men and you are sure to find a life partner that is suitable, submissive, and steadfast.

jehovahcankissmyass

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Platinum Level Member

Posts: 297

(01/29/09 21:10:01)

what the hell?

http://exjehovahswitnessforum.yuku.com/topic/7569

ariker

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Posts: 1853

(01/29/09 21:24:41)

Please, Amanda do not try and overstep your boundries. As a woMAN you have no right to overstep the boundries I have clearly laid out for all the men here. I only posted this clip from another site on the humour board because Ronnie has been late in my suggestion for a new category called... Women, know your place. I can only hope you get the subtle hint, as I'm a CHRISTIAN now. Sorry for the caps lock, I was just making a point.

AndriaSyxx

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Supreme Member

Posts: 4689

(01/29/09 22:54:01)

okay Christian boy ... don't forget to comb your hair though! We don't want little critters racing about in here do we!

Hilarious ... well worth reading Alex!

"I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start
... with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning."

~~ J.B. Priestly ~~

irishshane

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Indispensible Elite Poster

Posts: 2236

(01/30/09 04:39:03)

I liked point 2 which amongst other things permits us to w*nk whilst thinking about Jesus. He always does it for me in those robes, the sex bomb.

As a moderator I will remind Ronnie of your request and hopefully he will get to it pronto. These women round here have had it far too relaxed.
Time to show them who's boss, hey Alex?

Stand up and fight until you hear the bell,
Stand toe to toe, trade blow for blow, Keep punchin' till you make your punches tell,
Show that crowd what you know! Until you hear that bell, that final bell,
Stand up and fight like hell!" - Chorus from the Munster Rugby anthem sung before matches.
Irish by birth, Munster by the grace of God

Danielle0754

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Posts: 1203

(01/30/09 09:27:48)

I spit my soda out when i read number 10.

SweetDeanie

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Platinum Level Member

Posts: 293

(01/30/09 14:17:35)

Would number 10 not contradict number 2? I read the entire article and though it would allow for masturbation on the odd ocasion into a special seed tupperware to then be used as skin lotion, it did specify that overuse of this rule would be punishable by having one's member cut off and also the prefferred hand, not to mention that you would go to hell!

matitalica

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Posts: 1707

(02/03/09 05:08:16)

This has got to be a fake, it's to hilarious.

jehovahcankissmyass

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Platinum Level Member

Posts: 298

(02/03/09 18:39:57)

ariker you better know your place I will kick you right in the nose so shhhhhh..you better be joking..I'm the Diva Bitch of the posse and I will make you regret living hehehehe

http://exjehovahswitnessforum.yuku.com/topic/7569

Last Edited By: jehovahcankissmyass 02/03/09 20:14:56. Edited 1 times.

jehovahcankissmyass

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Platinum Level Member

Posts: 300

(02/03/09 20:16:48)

wait why are people moderators that have been around a lot less time then me? Hey Ronnie you could have asked me I would have said No cause I don't have the time but you could have asked! lol

http://exjehovahswitnessforum.yuku.com/topic/7569

ariker

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Posts: 1860

(02/03/09 20:20:18)