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Leotheturtle |
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60 days today. That is if you dont count the near beer, and I dont. I dont know how I feel about AA. I have been hating it latley but I keep making appearances
and collecting chips so I will have something to show the judge when my trial is up, whenever that is. So many thoughts, but I dont feel like getting into them
at the moment so I'll just leave it at that.
Rusty
Last Edited By: Leotheturtle
04/05/08 18:01:36.
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Ronnie45 |
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Posts: 10926 (04/05/08 06:49:06) Administrator |
That is great Rusty!!
You are right---I really wouldn't worry about that one incident at this point. It is irrelevent anyway imo. Main thing is that you got right back into the saddle and didn't let it get to you---that is very good if you ask me. I know what you mean about AA and the meetings. All I can say is what happened from personal experience & I know that I didn't have the tools to get sobriety alone. AA does give you a 'toolkit'---I can guarantee that much. It will give you the set of tools you need in order to maintain sobriety and a happy way of life if you want it. Trouble with lots of people is they don't want it bad enough. Or they only want it after the pain has gotten unbearable. That of course shouldn't let it affect the rest of us. To each his own after all. I just know that I can only take care of myself and then tell others about what I learned. Same is true with everyone in AA. The good part about it is that it always is a personal choice and decision. Since I never liked being forced to do anything, that worked out good for me... Anyhow, you're doing great if you ask me! By the way, it was also a judge that orderd me to go to AA-----that as I look back was the only good thing I can actually see about my experience with the legal system. Keep up the good work....
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tetsuojackson |
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I went to AA on my own. That being said AA is a choice and it is just a coping mechanisim simply a support group. It works better foir me than being on my own.
They hold no liscenese on sobriety though
And even if Jehovah witness, bet he'll never testify, D'Evils...
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Leotheturtle |
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One of the things about aa that really gets to me, is nomatter how hard I work to stay sober or how I am doing, all anyone want to do is give me crap for not
calling my sponsor or working the steps. For some reason I still go but I have alot of issues with it. I like the meetings okay. Its better then sitting at
home alone. Alan told me that he wanted to call him everyday for 10 days, I have been doing it lately. On my birthday 2 days ago I called him and he didnt
answer or call me back. I spent the whole day alone. I went to a meeting (I was still alone surround by people). Everyone was older then me and I couldnt
relate to the chairpersons story. I left before I had to hold hands and pray. I hate that part. Then I went to the library and got a book called "how to
quit drinking without aa", and then got a haircut that I dont like. happy birthday to me. I did stay sober though. The next night I was riding around
after dark, all the meetings were done with, I called Alan but he didnt answer. I passed the bar 4 or 5 times and was very tempted to go in as I was quite
depressed and really missed the buzz of alcohol. Lets face it, I drink because I like being drunk. I didnt though, I talked myself out of it and just kept
riding. It helps that I hate the town I live in, I hate the bars here, and drinking with the stupid rednecks in this hellhole I live in. I stopped at
albersons, stared at the beer aile for awhile, almost tearing up because I wanted it so bad, bought a juice drink and a bag of candy instead. I didnt sleep
well last night, I woke up in the middle of the night. I woke up at 9 or ten. Someone had called me. It could of been a job but I didnt get to the phone in
time and no message. I dont call back blind numbers. I was too asleep to get it. I went back to sleep and had a nightmare that i was going through stuff in my
garage, well it was like my garage but I was in a differnt house and going through some of my old stuff, some antiques and some stuff I thought belonged to my
dead grandmother, but i didnt reconize it, or the building I was in. It was abit like the house I used to live in but not quite. Next thing I knew I had demons
messing with me and I was running away from them.
I went to one and a half meetings yesterday. They wenrt too bad but I still dont quite fit in. I am younger then most people there and come from a different background then most stories I hear. To be honest if the people were my same age I would feel alot lmore uncomfortable. Atleast I can feel out of place because of my age, and not just because of who I am, as I would around my peers. I put my name on the list but was never called on, I guess Im not one of the "regulars". Once again I called Alan, because I said I would. He didnt answer so I didnt bother to leave a message. It was HIS idea for me to call him everyday but now he wont bother to answer or call me back at at decent time. Its alot like that one company owner who told me how much he wanted to hire me and wanted me to fill out all the paper work and everything I filled out the paperwork and I call and call and keep getting blown off. I still feel like drinking everyday but am resisting the urge. I know all the reasons for not drinking but it is really starting to get to me. I wonder how long I can go on like this. I just want to get wasted so I can stop thinking about everything. I know it wont stop the depression but a break would be nice. Here I am at 27 unemployed, living at home, no girlfriend. Did alcohol and pot get me here? Or was it just me? I know drinking and using didnt help me with my problems, but at times it seemed to help me in my mind. The problem was when it stopped helping and I couldnt get enough no matter how much I drank. Cold turkey is getting stale. Im eating too much chocolate now. I am diabetic so this is not a good thing. I can control my levels well enough but at night when the cravings are the worse and I start shoveling in the chocolate is when it gets difficult. I need to find something else. I dont use artificial sweeteners because most cause cancer. Ive been taking ambien lately to sleep. I dont take them every night because I dont have many. The doctor would only give me 20 pills, no refills. Im on the 'dont give this guy any drugs' list. I dont like to wake up too late but i also dont like to get up to early because I live with my mom and hate to make small talk when Im groggy, or to be questioned about "why" Im up early. Like I need a reason to be??? Whatever, same old crap. I said I drank and used to put up with her but she ruined my high and it all ended up keeping me here. I just cant fall back into that old pattern. I just want to be happy and I dont really see it happening. I wasnt happy drinking so I wont go back to that. I dont plan on it. I wish I could have a positive outlook but I dont. If i get a job it either wont pay good or I will hate it, maybe both. I cant remember ever having a job I liked that paid well...if that did exist, Id still be there. So then everyday I can come home to my mom, exactly what I want to do after work. I wont even go into detail on that one. Even if I get everything paid off, my DL back, my own place, my mom will never back off. She will still call me everyday, most times more then once, never giving me any space or freedom. I wont have any friends and wont be going to bars to meet anyone. I just dont ever see myself being in the position to be truly happy. Ive tried to force it. Ive tried to act happy. This is the first time Ive gone it without alcohol or pot Rusty
Last Edited By: Leotheturtle
04/11/08 18:06:32.
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Leotheturtle |
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I just got back from the late night candlelight meeting. I had to go because the girl in charge of the meeting is pretty hot. I couldnt resist. Shes got an ass
that just wont quit.
I spoke twice. I think I came off as angry the first time. Probably both times. I started talking about how I hated asking anyone for help (my topic was "asking for help"), talked about my negative view of God and said the big book sounded like abunch of crap... and how I never call my sponsor. Said that the steps 2 and 3 were like a big mind fuck to me. Im surprised they didnt kick me out. It felt good to talk though. It felt good to get it off my chest. =) It was a small group and it was dark so i couldnt see who i was talking to. that helped alot.I wasnt a complete dick or anything, just angsty. Ill be back to this one, if they will have my dumbass back in the group. I didnt call my sponsor. Maybe tomorrow. Ive decided to quit resisting and give it a chance. it works if you work it, and I havent been working it, so I cant say it doesnt work quite yet. I thought I was working it, but I am still dry drunking it. I will swallow my pride. I will let go of my past, let go of my prejudgements and go for it. Dive in head first. If it doesnt work I can always tell them to fuck off. Rusty
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Kingsmeg |
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Whoohooo! Sounds like you found a winner. As far as kicking you out, if they start kicking people out for speaking honestly, they might as well move upstairs
in the churches in which they meet.
Jody
The good Christian should beware of mathematicians. The danger already exists
that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.
-- St. Augustine
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Ronnie45 |
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Posts: 10983 (04/13/08 11:45:24) Administrator |
Hey Rusty,
I agree with you about how sometimes people in AA meetings forget to give the newer people in the program more positive feedback instead of just saying to 'get to meetings' or 'work the steps'. I think they mean well and are trying to help, so just keep that part in mind. The one good thing about the AA meetings is that no matter how good the people get along there, or how poor they get along there in person, virtually all of them are very serious about one thing----keeping their sobriety. That part is the common theme and most there do take it very seriously and will try to help another the best way they know how. Sometimes they go overboard I guess, but all I can say is to try to overlook it for the time if you can...They mean well. Alan told me that he wanted to call him everyday for 10 days, I have been doing it lately. On my birthday 2 days ago I called him and he didnt answer or call me back. I spent the whole day alone. I went to a meeting (I was still alone surround by people). Everyone was older then me and I couldnt relate to the chairpersons story. I left before I had to hold hands and pray. I hate that part. Then I went to the library and got a book called "how to quit drinking without aa", and then got a haircut that I dont like. happy birthday to me. I did stay sober though.The last sentence I am very happy to hear about! It is also all that matters at the end of the day..... You had a great day (as I did) because we kept sobriety. It is always a good day for one of us if we go 24 hours ----one day at a time--- and keep alcohol-free and sober. It really does get much easier over time (you just have to trust us for the time being on that one). It does become second nature as that programming in our brain gets back on track. It takes a bit of time for the circuitry to get back to normal, but once it does, then the normal reaction won't be to even want to drink. I know I am well past that initial stage where I felt urges to drink. I don't really have any big urges at all ----or even tiny urges most days. But, I do know the early sobriety is not fun... No easy way out of that though except for time and trying to do little things to help sobriety. As far as the books on how to quit drinking without AA----I can't comment a lot on those, but one time I did look up the 'rational recovery' program. It did not sound good to me. There are no face to face meetings and in rational recovery, they don't even consider alcoholism a disease. I just disagreed totally with their approach, but that was just me. I know what worked for me too and is why I personally say AA does work... With your sponsor not calling you back that day----that really was his error of course. If he wanted you to call him everyday, it would have been good to let you know if he was going to be gone some days and then give you an alternate number or person to contact. But, try not to hold any resentment against him for it----if we hold onto those, then we try to 'rationalize' our way into going back to the old miserable ways of doing things. Even getting a bad haircut---I know what you mean. It seems like not a bunch fits together like it should. Before I got much sobriety, that was the case too with me. It gets better... Lets face it, I drink because I like being drunk You and me both. I didn't even like the taste really. It was for the effect only and one of the ways I knew that I was just like those AA people before they found sobriety. Plus, their stories were way too similiar to mine... I still feel like drinking everyday but am resisting the urge. I know all the reasons for not drinking but it is really starting to get to me. I wonder how long I can go on like this. I just want to get wasted so I can stop thinking about everything. I know it wont stop the depression but a break would be nice. Here I am at 27 unemployed, living at home, no girlfriend. Did alcohol and pot get me here? Or was it just me? I know drinking and using didnt help me with my problems, but at times it seemed to help me in my mind. The problem was when it stopped helping and I couldnt get enough no matter how much I drank. Cold turkey is getting stale. This is part of the normal early sobriety. The problems with unemployment, living at home, or no girlfriend are all very workable problems. But, they will never improve if you would start into active alcoholism again. In fact, it would get even worse. Much worse. The only thing really to make a successful day is to refrain from the alcohol. The rest of the issues work themselves out (Again, you may not believe me here, but it is true. I remember towards the beginning of my AA meetings complaining to my sponsor on just how much I had lost. He wasn't too impressed and said that those things work themselves out if we keep our sobriety. He was right too. I just didn't believe him at the time. The future is bright for you Rusty and you can persue your dreams---the sky will be the limit. I personally spent two entire years unemployed and unemployable before I got sober through AA. Now, I am working on my masters degree and one day soon will be back in my chosen field. I have had successes already in my 2-3 years of sobriety already employment-wise in Human Resources too. I took on a job and did awesome----I guess I underestimated myself before I got sober. I certainly had a lot of unknown potential and you have the same potential as anyone else does~ I am still growing in positve ways too, so there is no telling where it will lead to. It's all good though and all because I did the program as outlined. As far as sleep goes----it is sometimes hard for new ones in AA. My first sponsor had a good suggestion which was to read any kind of recovery literature. I got in the habit of that and I still do it a lot of nights before I go to sleep. I don't require it to sleep, but it is a good habit to be in. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but any books that you see published by Hazelton are good ones. Plus of course the book of Alcoholics Anynomous (big book) which I still read regularly.----mostly as a reminder of who I am. just want to be happy and I dont really see it happeningIt will happen my friend if you give it the chance. It does take a little time and patience. I wish there was more I could say to reassure you because I had similiar thoughts when I was new. My concerns proved unfounded because I did work on the program and everything including my happiness improved just as those old-timers said it would. Said that the steps 2 and 3 were like a big mind fuck to me.Everyone has steps that are more easy than others. If you are having trouble on steps 2 and 3, let someone know. You will hear someone who can relate and then they can tell you what worked for them. I don't either have a strong God belief, but I was able to work through Steps 2 and 3. One big part is just realizing the fact that there is something more powerful than yourself. You can name it if you want to, but don't have to. Some people use the collective AA group as a higher power. After all, the group as a whole does keep their sobriety and that counts as a higher power. Anyhow, I hope that helps some.... One day at a time is the way to go. Plus, the serenity prayer if you look at the words, are spot on target. I don't pray to any specific god, but the serenity prayer and what it says is correct. |
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NewTracy |
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Just incase it helps any!
BODHI'S BUDDHIST NON-THEISTIC 12 STEPS: 1. We admitted our addictive craving over alcohol, and recognised its consequences in our lives. I think the higher power can be anything you believe enough in I think I may have said to you before even if you define it as "love" you probably be nrearer to the initial tennets of AA anyway.ie God being about love...vs the JW god of fear! Keep going hon you are doing great!!! Cheering you on! With much respect and admiration for you journey ((Rusty!))
Tracy formerly known as bogit!
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IntruderND |
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I was wondering what the heck is going in this thread but never checked it out. Rusty, all I can say is that if I didn't have a full time job I would
likely be very depressed. The thing with a job is that it forces you away from dwelling on negative thoughts. Lately, I've often worked 11 hour days and
I've noticed a link between bad mood periods and lack of focus at work. I'm reading a lot more recently and make it a goal of watching any comedy such
as Comedy Central stand ups or even cartoons. I run on weekends since other days I get off work at 7 PM and just too tired. These are the things that work for
me it seems, but alcohol could never.
I guess I got tired with mood shifts that caused me to skip work for two or even three days. It seems that, just like with a kid, all the brooding didn't get much attention so the circumstantial 'super nanny' fixed me up __________________________ Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
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Leotheturtle |
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I was wondering what the heck is going in this thread but never checked it outWell I quit drinking and spent 10 pages on here bitching about it. So I finally broke down and called Jed, my sponsor. He seems pretty cool and I like talking to him alot better then talking to Allen. He told me to write down all the times I have been powerless over drugs and alcohol. I thought Id only have to do it for alcohol but he didnt let me off that easy. I am working on page 5 and still keep thinking of things
Good news! All charges dropped in my DUI case. I went to the courthouse to find out when my court date is as I had not heard anything for months. They told me all charges dropped. I assume because I was not driving at the time of arrest. I almost drank after finding this out, but realized that this wasnt the reason I quit in the first place. It was still a tough night. This list is definitely helping me to not just focus on the 'good' times. Anyway Ive been trying to not post too much on here. I could come on here and have a story about every AA meeting I goto , or every time I want to drink (all the damn time), but when does it stop? I dont know what Im trying to say, or how to say it rather. Just an update. Rusty
Last Edited By: Leotheturtle
04/20/08 16:56:03.
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MrMig |
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1cookiebear |
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Rusty, I'm so happy for your good news!!! That should give you a ray of hope. Keep up the good work dude!
"Armageddon could be knockin at my door. But I aint gonna answer thats for sure. Theres gotta be somethin more." Jennifer Nettles
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irishshane |
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Super news rusty
Keep at it mate. Stand toe to toe, trade blow for blow, Keep punchin' till you make your punches tell, Show that crowd what you know! Until you hear that bell, that final bell, Stand up and fight like hell!" - Chorus from the Munster Rugby anthem sung before matches. Irish by birth, Munster by the grace of God |
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Ronnie45 |
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Posts: 11040 (04/21/08 07:07:50) Administrator |
Good news it sounds like Rusty!
That's also great you found Jed as someone you can talk to. In AA there are no guarantees on who will get along and be able to better relate to you than another. But in pretty much every case you will be able to find those who can relate & that you get along with easier than others. I know what you mean too about getting 'good news'. People who have a setback or relapse have it just as much over good news (a celebration) than over bad news. Maybe more often. Anyhow, you did awesome to catch that and realize the danger. Feel free to post though as much as you want. Anyhow, this is just one thread and it doesn't hurt to post anything you want to talk about. If we know the answer, we will be glad to share it to help pull you through any rough going or just to hear how the journey is going.... Congrats again on the progress~ |
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