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Cee:

"Congratuations."

Rust:

"Congratulations? What the hell are you talking about Cee Cee? My whole _______ing life just got MORE miserable--as if that's possible. (Thinking 'that old bat didn't read what I wrote!)

Cee:

"I really do mean 'congratulations'. Because admitting your situation is "hopeless" is a good thing. (It is when we're talking about addition or alcoholism.) Hopeless is the place where you say "I can't do this on my own"; "I need help so bad I'm willing to follow instructions to get it." That's when you know you've taken the First Step.

Admitting you're helpless about alcohol/drugs is a road sign that reads 'BOTTOM'. Don't speed by that sign. When we alcoholics get to the place where there are only two directions to go--up from the gutter of your life; or down into a 6-foot hole 'cause there isn't the slightest glimmer of light on the horizon--we are finally ready to surrender. Surrender is another good thing.

Surrender what? The right to our role as (1) life's victim and (2) all those damned 'know-it-all opinions every alcoholic holds. (As if doing it 'my way' is a model for the rest of the world.) Only with the self-centered judgmental 'better-than-thou' mind set swirled down the john, can folks like us actually hear what the men and women who have been where we are, and who are now enjoying the life we want, have to say about how they got where we want to be.

It felt like being in a condemned 80 foot mineshaft with a eight foot ladder. I'd climbed and clawed my way out trying every trick (har har) I knew to reach the top but each time I got near the top the rocks crumble and I'd slip back down. How many times I tried that I can't even recall. They always ended the same way. When I got advice I didn't like, or I didnt' like the one who brought it, I discounted the message. Even though the situation was hopeless I denied it, thinking "If only I'd been better. If only I'd tried ______ or ______ it would have worked. Next time I'll ______." Really what I was saying (how stupid!) was "If I didn't think of it, it won't work." If I did try it it was to prove it wouldn't work! (Really stupid!) Then I hit my bottom--hard. Too battered and tired to think up any other way out but suicide. That morning I talked to the sky (not sure there was a God who cared) and said "I'm checking out. If you've got a better plan, you'd better do it now." It was a dare more than a prayer. Three days later I was sitting in an AA meeting and life as I knew it was about to change into something more wonderful than I ever imagined it could be. (This was not a magic trick [maybe a slow miracle], it took quite a few ODATs, but it was so worth what it took.)

Look Rusty, we know how it goes. We've thought it ourselves and heard it a hundred times from others:

AA's say: "Go to a meeting every day for the first 90 days."
You think "What if anyone finds out?
I'm too busy [figuring out how I can do it myself] to do that.
How is listening to a bunch of old alkies talk about sleeping under bridges
going to help me. [Thinking I'm better than that and I have a warm place to live free even if I hate the one(s) I live with.]
I don't have a car/money/time to go to all those meetings.
'Those people' are older than me, so how can I relate. (As if I was taught how to walk by another toddler.)

So I'll say it again: Congratulations. You are on the First Step. If you really believe you are powerless, maybe you'd be willing to say something like this when you get up in the morning (in your own words) to your Higher Power/God of your understanding:

Here's today. the mess I've made of my life up to know proves I don't know how to live without your help. Show me what to do, and how to do it. Give me the strength to do whatever that is. When I lay down tonight I'd like to think I have done something good for another person, and be peace, proud to have lived well. Thanks.

I highly recommend you say it every morning for the next 90 days whether you believe it or not. If in that time you don't feel better about yourself and your life, I will gladly, as they say in AA, "refund your misery" . [Hey dude, what do you have to lose?]

I forgot, there's an evening prayer you should say too. It goes like this:

"Thanks."

Rusty, go ahead and give back your chips and start over. Today is Day One. Tomorrow is Day One. The day after tomorrow is Day One also. That's how you count when you're counting "One Day at a Time". One day of well-lived sobriety is so very much more precious than a whole pocket stuffed with chips that only prove you've attended the group's monthly anniversary meeting.

Hugs, Cee Cee

PS: Rusty, it's OK if you give your brightly polished Shoulder Mounted Super High Density Portable Lie & Bull Shit Detector a rest. Any slack you cut others for their crap, allows you the very same privilege.

Hugs again, Cee Cee