I can relate to what you're saying very much. I have also felt like I've been drifting and not sure what I believe anymore. One thing I do know is that it is invigorating to look into new thoughts I never did before. It is wonderful to think with an open mind , not one that thoughts have been put in for me. I may never have the answers but who is to say what is right or wrong . As far as friends I also have some long time friends, non witnesses that were considered bad association. They have stood by me and are the most decent people you would want to know. They have not judged me. Don't feel guilt, thats what they want you to feel. Prove them wrong and show them that you are a survivor and can make it.