I also find myself predisposed towards apologies Tracy, but partly......it's just a kind of general social lubricant which comes under the umbrella of manners and attitude. I think people are more at ease with thoughtful or considerate people, and apologies are sometimes just an initial affectation in an attempt to reassure people that this is what you are.

I think a spirit of sincere humility, when it's displayed between two people.....[strangers even]....opens the doors of trust and friendship far more quickly than might occur in the absence of such a display.

But.....

Your query was about humility versus self-belief, and obviously that's a much deeper, and far more personal meditation.

Yammer stated:

I deeply believe that we are not in control of others feelings, nor are they in control of ours. Not everyone agrees with me on this, so I don't want to beat it to death, but--sometimes we feel obligated to apologize to someone when we know that they have become upset, sad, mad, or disappointed by something we have done or said.

I really know what you mean by this, and it can be a tricky one to untangle sometimes, and I don't necessarily want to assume the stance of the 'not everyone' you're referring to just for the sake of it. I'm chewing my bottom lip [in thought] on this one as I type because you've really made me think.

I suppose emotionally speaking....where we ourselves end, and other people around us begin is not always a firmly fixed line, and it depends very much on the nature [and intimacy] of the relationship.

Anyway Tracy, it really sounds like your GF is probing your apology reflex in a loving, constructive self-esteem boosting manner, rather than inviting you to abandon your resident humility and become some kind of arrogant, self-important 'wench'.....lol

a person can be humble and yet be self-confident.

That's so true, yet it's sometimes extremely difficult to explain to those with low-self-confidence how this really works in terms of how one goes about distributing the relevant emotions.

Yammer stated:

we are not in control of others feelings,

And then more pointedly:


Do we automatically say we're sorry because we feel like we are in control of others feelings? If so, we need to think about it a little more.

It's not an easy question to introspect upon, but it's a question that's definitely worth the 'ask'....IMHO

The only way for me [personally] to get inside this would be for me to be totally honest and declare that I am somebody who is able to keenly sense when somebody is attempting to infuse me with their feelings.

It doesn't bother me when this happens, and even though I may or may not allow myself to be infused, I'm always acutely aware when an attempt has been made.

For example, I'm not at all comfortable receiving compliments, and I seldom know what to do with them.

I think this guardedness is based on the fact that I don't ever want to feel indebted to anybody for my own self-esteem.

By the same token, I wouldn't want to feel negatively indebted to anybody for any low self-esteem either, so my general policy is to be 'aware' of other people's feelings, but never dependent on them.

And that is the best way I can describe my own self-belief.....in that.....it really IS self-belief.....not wife belief, not friends belief, not family belief, not neighbours belief.....but SELF-BELIEF.....as in.....it really is MINE, not just an assorted cocktail of all the varied feelings I may glean [absorb] from those around me at any given moment in time.

There's nothing wrong with throwing your friends a boost now and then, and it's also nice to receive a boost when it's sincerely rendered......but it's never healthy to become addicted to those boosts, and that's where genuine self-esteem comes into play, because if you've got that, then your confidence reservoir will always be full....or at least full-ish.....

The Borg has thoroughly confused people about humility, it takes a while to shake that off and get it out of our psyche.

Yep, without a doubt.

The borg generally needs malleable people with a tendency for high emotional dependency.

That's certainly not 'humble.'

In terms of ones ability to feel remotely good about oneself, the borg's version of humility is best expressed by the words 'defeated' and 'resigned.'


Humbly


Mick image




" My way of joking is to tell the truth...It is the funniest joke in the world."


~ George Bernard Shaw ~


Last Edited By: michaelangelo45 Jun 13 09 7:48 PM. Edited 1 times.