Hey LBG - Sorry to hear you're feeling so conflicted all of the sudden. It's normal to find yourself here, rethinking and feeling guilty and sad for not being there tonight (or tomorrow). From childhood it's ingrained... you don't miss meetings... you don't THINK about missing a DC/CA/SAD... and we won't even talk about the option of not attending the memorial. I know I also went through a range of emotions that first memorial. My best friend would invite me, and my now ex-surrogate mom would make multiple comments about these upcoming events in our emails, and I was so sick of the guilt trip. It's hard to turn around and walk away from years of training. For me it was 31 years, and it was HARD those first few assemblies, conventions and that first memorial I missed. It's very difficult to step out and away from a 'closed society' that depends on isolationism from 'the world' to keep its members. It's going to take some time to make sense of all the turbulent feelings; be patient with yourself. It's a long, challenging process; for most (if not all), you don't just wake up one day and quit 'cold turkey.'

Writing is soothing; I know I find it very helpful too. Come here to vent as much as you need to; as you already know, you'll find lots of supportive, empathetic people.


Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.