Dravis - You and I are on the same page... I just wrote this to a friend of mine:

"A friend of mine pointed out to me that what I'm going through now is what most people go through in their late teens/early twenties, usually when in college. I just never had that opportunity. I think the questions and talking about it more (because I didn't talk about my religion or leaving it that much until I 'came out of the closet') are kicking all this up. In the beginning, I had made this choice, done things to 'solidify it' (aka doing things you'd be expelled from the religion for) and was just trying to cope with THAT. And after years of not really thinking for myself, just being told what I believed, the concept of thinking about what I really believed was alien. And then suddenly, now that I'm no longer pretending to still be in the religion, I realize I DON'T know what I believe; I never had to give it a thought before. So that's why I'm here now. I was talking to my brother and I even said to him, "I feel like, 'Are you there God? It's me... Margaret." That's kind of how it feels right now. It's like being given a 4' x 4' blank canvas and just being told to "draw." Uh... okay. No guidelines, nothing. Just draw.

"It's another grieving. I lost mom once, now I'm losing her again, 'cause I don't know that I'll ever see her again. That was a security blanket I've been holding onto for nine years. And now it's gone, and I'm left with that 4x4 blank canvas and have to figure out what I - not the JW trained me but the true self - actually believe."


Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.