Herdarkness,
Hang in there.. It will get better. Remember to forgive yourself first as you did not make the mess, you are just trying to clean it up to better yourself.. I think couseling will be very helpful if you are in a place where you can get it. I also suggest you allow yourself to grieve... there are five steps of the grieving process ....Anger, depression, denial, acceptance and barganing. They don't have to come in any specific order but if you can work through your feelings allowing yourself to deal with each one of the five steps it will help you find a place in your heart to allow you to move forward. The best revenge is sucess..Set a goal and go for it no matter how big or small. You may surprise yourself one day by reaching it.