Hi Sam. Thanks so much for answering me. My ex....who is the father of my children...sent in a letter of disassociation about 8 yrs. ago. He was Joe Witness. I mean there was a flippin ripple in the universe when he did that. At the time I was in but out. Meaning I was in good standing but inactive and not attending meetings. My current husband in my opinion is one of the few remaining humans who is honest to a fault and definitely one of the kindest best humans I've ever encountered. He was raised by an Episcopalian priest father. He does not believe in God as we or he was taught to do so but has a handle on who he thinks God is. He has studied ancient history and especially ancient religions and the religions of today with a passion. He has studied these things for 40 yrs. He absolutely hates this organization. He detests the mind control and believes this is the worst of all religions and cults because of it's lasting effect on people. There are many JWs that over my lifetime I've come to love. They are after all only people. One of my biggest problems is that my parents are still living. Now while I don't care about my cruel father and what he feels...I do care about my mother. The feelings are mixed and torturous for me. I know she stood back and watched while he beat us almost to death and called it discipline but my mother stopped growing emotionally when she married my father who I believe she attaches a father figure for herself to. So I'm soft on my mother and don't want her to die believing she'll never see me again....so I play the game. I don't attend meetings or anything else that would imply I was a witness but I yes my mother till I'm blue in the face. A month ago my precious younger sister died (ovarian cancer). She was in good standing after having been DFed for 20 yrs. She was reinstated and two yrs. later found out she had cancer. Two years from finding out..she died. NOT ONE of the brothers or sisters from my parents hall came to her funeral. While I could'nt care less if they were there or not I felt bad and embarrassed for my parents. Yes....there were plenty of JWs there but none from my parents hall cause they did'nt know my sister. And hey......my father has been an elder for a hundred yrs. LOL. I have another sister...eighteen yrs. younger than me...and at age five she was horrendously and vicisously sodomized by a wonderful guy in the hall who's wife looked the other way and kept her mouth shut. Of course we did'nt find all this out until my sister was 30 yrs. old. This guy did all his children and grandchildren and over 100 little witness kids he could get his hands on. Oh...why was my little sister left alone with this guy? My parents would drop her off there to be babysat while they went out in service!!!! He was DFed for five years and then allowed back in. image Idiots!!! Sadly...I've got many stories like this. I love all things righteous and all things that are on the positive love side of the board. I hate what's bad. I just think there's alot more good and alot less bad, worthy of death people and situations in this world today. Sometimes I feel like I'm waking up from some horrible dream. I'm really hoping to get some direction. Thanks for starting me off. Karon