Just a quick thanks to everyone responding. Who knows....I might get through this yet. Of course...I won't think about things like what a bummer it is to feel like I've wasted my life not so much on any one religion but on fear and guilt. I think that even as children we are inherently repulsed by fear and guilt. Does not line up with love joy peace kindness goodness faith long suffering mercy forgiveness and oh...did I already say love? LOL. My husband is lovin this forum. I think of all the things I want the biggest right now is to stop looking over my shoulder and stop feeling like I'm worthless. I love many people and I'm loved by many. So...for me being the best and most loving person I can be is the only thing I have to offer any God or any other human. I just have to convince myself that that's enough for anyone...including God. I'd like to find a place where I can stop being angry with God. Maybe right here is the start. Thanks guys!!! Karon