Hi Beth,
First off I agree with Sam, you've come a long way from your first post, we all have on here.

I was where you are just a few months ago. Here's what I can promise: You will wake up one day and while you are doing the most mundane thing, perhaps you'll be driving on the highway like I was, and suddenly you will feel a portion of everything you are carrying around slide off your shoulders. It happens in chunks it doesn't happen all at once and you slowly heal and get over things. Doing things like celebrating Christmas for the second time instead of the first time, or having your second birthday party instead of your first birthday helps your subconscious to reaffirm that this is a permanent decision and not just some lark where you're "experimenting with worldly life" for a limited time. Also, you will eventually read all the "must reads" that every good little apostate reads, and that will help you to move on as well because you won't have all that reading that you feel you need to do.

I was guilty of it too. A lot of Ex-JW's don't know what to do with all this free time they have at first (I still don't always know what to do) and so they research the JW's with the same intensity and frequency that they used to study for and attend the meetings. In time, you move on, time heals, this is a phase I promise, and I remember feeling like I was obsessed for awhile too. But guess what, I've been out a little more than a year and I haven't googled "Jehovah's Witnesses cult" or "Truth about WTBTS" for like 3 months. Hang in there, it's part of the exiting process and it gets better.

"The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently." --Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche


-Dave