Jane, you sound like you're making yourself ill. Let go, you're not going to live this double life and keep yourself and your family happy, and if you think you will, well...you can only kid yourself for so long. Someone's going to be left disappointed. There's always resistance from people when you change. It's like a natural part of life. They'll always want you to remain the same Jane and fit in with their beliefs, which we all know are based on a web of lies. Just relax, and have fun. Be yourself, and if they find something out about you, let them come to you.