janeblogs wrote:
so i came away with my boyfriend. i have been traveling europe for 3 months having a great time. living in a van together and generally enjoying life away from the constant lies. 

now three months in, having left the uk with dad being clear of cancer i have just heard that he has it back and it doesnt look like he will survive, possibly not even 6 months.

my boyfriend quit his job to come traveling with me and after three months i think i might have to go back for a year or so to help my parents. absolutley no idea what to do. broken hearted at the thought of my dad not making it. desperate to do the best thing for everyone and no idea what that is. life is very cruel.

Wow, Janeblogs! I don't know where to begin, so here are some random thoughts-- It's clear you value your relationship with your family dearly, and you don't want to be cut off and shunned. You have jumped through so many hoops to stay in their good graces. Is it clear to you that their love, because they are fully indoctrinated cult members, is conditional? You have been out of crazy for three full months, enjoying life with your boyfriend who quit his job to travel with you for six months' time. When you left you were on the verge of an emotional breakdown from trying to live two lives to please your family-- homeless to please your family. Your mom is unhappy and trying to guilt you because she knows you have a "boyfriend" and not just a "friend". Other people in the cult are informing on you. Your dad emailed you after a chat with an informant. There are more informants out there waiting to spill the beans.

This is all hard, very hard to be sure. This is an issue I have struggled with my entire life. This is a lesson I am still trying to learn today. It is not your job to hold your family together. It is your job to live your life in as kind a way as possible. If you need to go home to finish your artwork for an exhibit and are willing to pay the cost-- either a confrontation and possible shunning, or setting some firm boundaries that you are not there to discuss your personal life. Period. Then go. Spend that week with your mom and dad.

They (probably unwittingly) and the organization have lied to you your whole life. It's ok to lie to them and tell them what they want to hear. Your parents are old enough to remember the "essential family business" escape clause. Caring for your dad falls there. Tell them you have prayed about it, and you have done nothing to displease God. Tell them this even if you don't believe in God. Remind them that they can't go on hearsay and gossip. Let them think what they need to think. Give them all the love you can in that time frame and then go back to your life with your art and your boyfriend.

You are an adult and are under no obligation to take a year of your life to care for your parents if it is going to dramatically change the outcome of your life. Are you willing to lose your relationship with your boyfriend? Are you willing to put your art career on hold? You can't change that your parents are in a cult and that you love them. You can't change that your dad is dying and that it hurts. What you can do is change your behavior. Please don't get sucked back into crazy. Don't go back to living your life to please them.Take it from someone who is still stuck there and trying desperately to get out. Some families are healthy. Some are not. You have to decide what is best for you.

This is not an all or nothing thing-- a year and no boyfriend or art or a year with your dying dad and your judgmental, controlling cult-member parents. If your parents accept your boundaries, great. You can spend a week with them now and go back again for a visit as you are able, especially as your dad gets closer to the end of his life. If they don't accept your boundaries now, they likely never will; and you will end up forever conforming to their demands instead of living your life.

Little side story. When my son was disfellowshipped, and I was still a JW; my son told me, "I don't want to talk to you. I am disfellowshipped. You are not supposed to talk to me. I have a girlfriend and I smoke. Leave me alone." That was part of my wake-up call. I walked away a few years later, knowing I could never shun my son once he was no longer living in my house.  

making out

  


Kindness (Stanza 3) Before you know kindness /as the deepest thing inside, /you must know sorrow /as the other deepest thing. /You must wake up with sorrow. /You must speak to it till your voice /catches the thread of all sorrows /and you see the size of the cloth. /Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore, /only kindness that ties your shoes /and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread, /only kindness that raises its head /from the crowd of the world to say /it is I you have been looking for, /and then goes with you everywhere /like a shadow or a friend.

Naomi Shihab Nye  (1953-)