Rusty ... I may not be an addict but I've known addicts be it an addiction to drink, drugs, gambling and yes ... even to sex.

You are not understanding within yourself that you don't actually have total control how YOU are feeling ... which is why you're on that merry-go-round of drinking to be rid of the pain and yet not actually wanting to drink. Ron is right sweetie ... even if you have been drinking ... still go to the AA meetings. You're amongst people there who truly DO know how you feel. You may feel that their method doesn't sit well with you or that it's too simplistic or hard to stick stick to ... but it can and does work for many people who have problems with alcohol.

They won't consider you as a bad person for having a relapse and feeling the need for a drink to help you get by ... they'll just think of you as being 100% human like they are!

I can't tell you what to do and neither can anyone else ... but from the little you've expressed about yourself ... you are so very hard on yourself sweetie. Take each day as it comes and be kinder to yourself ... it may make your life a little easier to live. Ron has some very good advice and suggestions sweetie!