I am so mad and don't know what to do!!

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solicia	I am so mad and don't know what to do!!	Lead	[-]
MVP (Most Valuable Poster) Posts: 209 (05/26/09 13:12:34) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	All and any objective opinions would be appreciated. These are non jw's just an ordinary dysfunctional family I'll try to keep it short. As soon as any male bats an eyelash at my sister in law. She crumbles and questions her relationship with my brother. (married 15years) THe last time this happened she cheated on my brother bore another man' s child. My brother took her back and is raising that child as his own. It says a lot about his character. He is a great guy and a good catch. She takes everything for granted and everything comes easy to her. Unlike some people who fight for everything they have and appreciate it dearly! I'm debating whether or not I should tell my brother about what she confided in me. Which was dumb because I am biased towards my brother! They have 5 kids together and my brother falls apart when she leaves and does crazy shit! He's been wanting to get his internet cut off. Since that's how she meets idiots. Maybe I should just suggest that? I don't know? I don't know! I'm concerned for his well being but don't want to cause trouble. I guess it would be meddling? Sigh.... If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me. -- Jimmy Buffett
solitaire		#1	[-]
Posts: 4222 (05/26/09 13:34:44) Co Administrator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Chrissy............I am far too well raised to ask what it was she confided to you (but of course feel free if you think you will burst otherwise!!) I would take the first step of talking to her - bluntly!! She is playing stupid games, when she is old enough and lucky enough, to know better.. She is not a teenager for goodness sake grr I do wonder why she confides in you, when she knows you obviously care about your brother?? Makes me wonder if she has another motive for telling you things - in order to make him jealous - or to make you look like a liar if you say anything?? Whatever she is up to - I would talk to her and give her the opportunity to talk to your brother first, or else you will have to speak to him (I am assuming here that it is something detrimental to your brother) Sounds like he has got himself hitched to a woman who is never gonna grow up - but if he loves her, I would tread carefully Chrissy - it may be her way to cause trouble between you and him Hugs Sam xx Sam "Learn from yesterday - live for today - hope for tomorrow"
AndriaSyxx		#2	[-]
Supreme Member Posts: 6443 (05/27/09 03:35:11) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I'm with Sam on this one Chrissy. Tread carefully whichever way you go. My older bro's 2nd wife tried playing games with me but when I called her bluff ... she ran crying to my bro and our relationship has never been the same since. No loss on my part as he's the JW one ... but it's not nice to sit back after being told something detrimental about your own flesh and blood ... and not knowing what to do. Talk to her first. Let her know you're pissed at her for being such a stupid cow ... and let her make the next move. "A loving heart is the truest wisdom" ~~ Charles Dickens ~~
AllTimeJeff		#3	[-]
MVP (Most Valuable Poster)++ Posts: 1620 (05/27/09 05:37:34) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Hi there.. This is me not giving advice.... My experience in life when it comes to matters like these is that there are other dynamics at play that we may not be aware of, even if the person is acting in an unworthy manner. At times, introducing our own perspective as an observer may be needed, but for sure there will be circumstances and facts to come out of it that you might not expect. It's always the Devil you know vs the Devil you don't know. I am always for speaking up though. I like the idea of confronting her, if you feel you must. Jeff The good old days weren't always good And tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems -Billy Joel
zinniahhh		#4	[-]
Bronze Level Member Posts: 33 (05/27/09 06:41:20) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I would confront her because of the fact that she keeps coming to you about YOUR brother! I would be blunt with her, because who knows how long she'll keep this up, and you don't need the stress. I don't know much about your brother but he seems like a good person, so I wouldn't be overly concerned about her manipulating your relationship with him. It's absolutely possible, but he's seen her true colors before, so I can't see him not believing you. I was reading this blog today, and it reminded me a lot of people in (and out) of my life. It's about "toxic personalities". It might help you to take a look at it: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/8-toxic-personalities-to-avoid-461078/ I hope things turn out well.
solicia	Great advice	#5	[-]
MVP (Most Valuable Poster) Posts: 215 (05/27/09 06:57:17) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I wouldnt' know where to begin if I talked to her. I already put the bug in my brother's ear about cutting off the net. MY BAD! I'm a straight up person. I've been blunt with her in the past. I've given her cold hard facts. She didn't talk to me for weeks. What peaceful weeks those were. sigh I guess it'd be easier to let her know where I stand. 100% behind my brother. If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me. -- Jimmy Buffett
AndriaSyxx		#6	[-]
Supreme Member Posts: 6454 (05/27/09 22:21:19) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	If that's how you truly feel Chrissy ... then tell your SIL up front! Let her know that you back your brother totally, that she's pissing you off something chronic with her high school behaviour and then ask her point blank if she's telling you all these things so that YOU are the one who spills the beans to your brother and it gets her off the hook. Playing games like she has been is unfair on you, on your hubby and on your brother. Trust your instincts! "A loving heart is the truest wisdom" ~~ Charles Dickens ~~
Six		#7	[-]
Gold Level Member Posts: 10 (06/02/09 01:00:20) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	She thinks the problem is with him. The problem is with her. If all else fails, continue to support your brother, but keep a close eye on him for signs of depression. The agonizing temptation of hitting the "off" button is something I suspect I'm not alone in having dealt with. Let this woman know how she looks from another perspective...Just from hearing your side of the story, I have a select set of thoughts that I'll keep to myself out of respect for your family. Keep your brother strong...If you don't, then this woman will most certainly tear his heart out and stomp on it once for every year.
solicia	Six	#8	[-]
MVP (Most Valuable Poster) Posts: 294 (06/02/09 05:37:06) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	You're right. She blames him for not being affectionate. blah fuckin blah. Depression, um big fat yes! Our brother died in 2005 and it really messed him up in the worst way. They were the best of friends. Playing games like she has been is unfair on you, on your hubby and on your brother. Trust your instincts! You're so right Andria. my SIL can't handle any sort of confrontation. Even when I use an assertive approach. I have no desire to listen to her bullshit. When she has her fucking meltdown defending herself! No sympathy from me. It feels like a dead end. I guess I can only be there for my brother when she starts acting out AGAIN! Here's an example of what she does. No one in my family talked to her for months after she screwed my brother over. For his sake only we made amends with her. If there's any spat between my SIL or anyone in my family (rare). She freaks on my brother. She screams, nags and rants about how we really feel about her. It's never ending nagging and whining. My brother can't handle it and goes on a bender. Now, he's crazy when he drinks. Pure dysfunction, I know! I believe they've tried couple counselling. He's done everything in his power to make their relationship work. OMG! It just dawned on me after writing this down...she has no self esteem. Guess, I'm blinded by .........hate? dunno what word to use. Sorry, I'm ranting. Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you! -- Tommy Smothers
Six		#9	[-]
Gold Level Member Posts: 11 (06/02/09 09:41:29) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Perhaps that's the problem. If she doesn't appreciate herself, for what reason would she appreciate anyone else? (PostScript: I love rants.)
Ilovebirthdays		#10	[-]
Gold Level Member Posts: 129 (06/02/09 12:20:05) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Everyone else has given you good advice here, but I'm wondering if you think maybe she's confiding in you because she knows your loyalties lie with him, and she is expecting you will tell him, and that gets her out of doing it? It sounds like she almost wants you to do the dirty work for her. Even if that isn't the case, so sorry for your family. She sounds absolutely toxic.
solicia	Six and I love birthdays	#11	[-]
MVP (Most Valuable Poster) Posts: 302 (06/02/09 12:26:33) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	If she doesn't appreciate herself, for what reason would she appreciate anyone else? She sounds absolutely toxic. Great points to ponder. I'm dumb founded actually. Feel better after those thoughts. Thanks a bunch! Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you! -- Tommy Smothers
xeracia.thethinkingjeho...		#12	[-]
Platinum Level Member Posts: 169 (06/02/09 19:57:39) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	My thoughts on this matter (and please do not be offended) is that they are both screwed up. Her especially for doing what she is doing and messing around with the other men. But at the same time, your brother did choose to take her back, after knowing what she had done. And once a cheater almost always a cheater. I would honestly stay out of it. I've been in similar 'go between' situations. And I chose to slowly back away and take no part in it. Whatever is going on with them is their business and I am sure there is a lot going on that is way below the surface. I know it is difficult to watch situations like this, but if you take a step back and see that maybe at this time this situation is what this person needs to grow in life, it can make it a bit easier.
Shine		#13	[-]
Platinum Level Member Posts: 313 (06/05/09 10:30:41) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	your bro is weak, hell I would never have taken her back I dont care if the stars dont shine, and I dont care if nothing is mine, I dont care if i'm nervous with you, I'll do my loving in the winter
angel		#14	[-]
Registered Member Posts: 3 (06/14/09 06:14:30) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	This may seem harsh but has worked for me: Take a good hard look at the people in your life (your sister-in-law) and ask yourself, "Would I keep these people in my life if they did not have a 'title' and weren't supposed to mean something specific in my life?" If you stripped her of the honor of being your 'sister-in-law', how would you treat her differently? How would you perceive her actions and how would you feel about her as a person. I started living this way many years ago. This was an easier way to cope with the loss of my former JW friends,as well as a way to purge out of my life any remaining, unhealthy people be they JW's or not. People in my life do not get special privileges because they are in my life and I love them. I cannot enable them because I love them and love myself enough to know that I would rather see them go than to hate them for sticking around and having me watch them act like assholes. What I am suggesting isn't easy and will create initial familial conflict. Making people own their own shit is not easy. It also means that you too have to always play it straight or at least try. I had to question for myself whether I was a source of light and love for my friends and if my actions were harming them in any way. I have just as much responsibility in my relationships and I have to own any displeasing behaviors that offend or hurt my loved ones-and I do. The approach is pretty hardcore but may just stun her-it's behavior modification at it's best. Much luck to you, Angel

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I am so mad and don't know what to do!!

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