Hi. I'm new to this because I have a deeply ingrained fear of saying what I'm about to say. I was raised a JW from the time I was five years old. I am
now 58. My father was a cold, abusive, tyranical man when I was growing up. The "truth" was beaten into me and surprise! I rebelled when I was 16. I
left...got DFed....got reinstated and stayed with it up until about 9 yrs. ago. I like to consider myself a good person but of course in the deepest parts of
my heart I feel as though I'm not because I can't get behind the JW trip anymore. I could ramble on and on about the unkindnesses and atrocities
I've seen over a lifetime in this org. but I won't cause I know you all have similar experiences. What I'd like to know is how do I stop looking
over my shoulder? How do I stop crying all the time wondering if my grown children...who are my whole life...are going to die at armeggedon? How do I stop
worrying about the news everytime I listen to it? But most of all.....how do I find a way to God when I have such conflicting feelings not just about the JWs
but about God himself? When it comes to the bible I have problems with the Abraham Isaac story...the ark carrying dude story and the Job story...just to
mention a few. This God seems to be really mean and scary and makes me feel as though he's really not even there. Walking away from the JWs has left me
with the inability to believe in anything at all. I have read Crisis Of Conscience and it sort of helped but Franz still believes in God and I like to think I
do but I don't want him to be the God that I learned about all my life because it seems this God is sadistic and cruel and tortures us. I feel like I'm
losing my mind and I desperately need help. Of course I could'nt go to an elder...lol...or a shrink that is unequipped to help with something they really
don't know about...and...I think unless one has been here one really can't know what we go through. Any help out there? Thanks so much...Karon
