I used to feel guilty when I'd complain about my mom because I know there are so many who have wonderful mothers, and many who had wonderful mothers and have lost them, but that doesn't change the fact that my mom has not always been so wonderful. She has always had bi-polar and we think some narcissism. Sorry for the spelling. She put us throught sheer hell for a couple of years, my brother referred to it as purgatory because it seemed to never end, and finally we got her in a nursing home. She would ask me if I planned it, every time I visit her she says she doesnt' want to be like this, she doesn't want to be here, etc. It's just that she put us through so much, I don't even feel like writing it all, and I can't help but think, can't she ever, just once, think of us and try to accept things to make it easier on us. She got kicked out of three nursing homes, got put on hospice just to appease her, she went on a hunger strike, but when on hospice, she could not eat and no one would care, so of course she started eating, she's always been that way. If you can imagine someone getting kicked out of a nursing home, how bad their behavior must be, and we had to keep taking her in with us over the previous two years. And I just am burnt out and just cannot bring myslef to visit her much at all. She used to always say, when she was ok, that she was never going in a nursing home, and I'd think, thanks, mom, what if we have to do it, couldn't you make it a bit easier on us? But no, she couldn't. She's kind of told me that she's going to haunt me when she dies. She said something not so long ago about not being afraid to die, because, "I'll still be here," she said in a kind of voice that made me think she was kind of saying she was going to hang around me. The bad thing, if that makes sense, is that her general health is incredibly good, so she'll probably even outlive a few of us. Anyway, jsut wanted to get this off my chest. I was talking to a co-worker who is around my age, fifties, and her mom is pretty much the same and told her she was going to haunt her, too! What's with old people! With my personality, I would think that if I had to be in a nursing home, I'd still enjoy watching CNN and other shows, sitting outdoors, just enjoying a cup of coffee with the morning paper. Why can't she look at it like that and enjoy what there is to enjoy about it. Like anything else, it could be worse, she's in a great place. Well, that's it. Otherwise, I'm feeling fine, just got sick yesterday and wondered if it was just the stress of feeling like I had to see her. So I called instead and told her I was sick.
Cacky
Cacky
