I was just referred to this sight by my mother who like myself is an ex-Jehovah's Witness. I am so thrilled as I have searched for four years to find something like this. I wanted to share my story and join the community in hopes of helping those who are still having problems.
I was born into a Jehovah's Witness family. You know how every congregation has those families that are seemingly perfect model families? Yea that was mine. I was the youngest of four little pioneers, occasionally joined in pioneering by our parents when they could take time from work. My world turned upside down (the first time anyways) when I was five. Out of nowhere, my mom left my father and the religion. She tried to take me and one of my brothers with her but my father was able to win custody of us through a torturous custody battle. That custody battle would last the entirety of my childhood. My sister around that time disassociated herself and we lost contact with her for obvious reasons. And shortly thereafter my oldest brother moved away to become a Bethelite. So it was me and my other brother and my Dad for a few years. Might I add that my father was in the military before converting and has no capacity for affection. Or feelings. He remarried eventually and my stepmom was actually quite similar to Cinderella's. When dad was around she was an angel and when he left she suddenly hated us. I worked hard to throw myself into my faith even at a very young age. I became the youngest unbaptized publisher, then the youngest publisher, then the youngest pioneer in the congregation. I was who everyone looked up to. I began to realize though that I was not like the others in many ways as I matured more. I became friends with some kids in school who were dancers and found what I was actually put on this earth to do. To teach people through dance not through preaching. You could imagine what my father said when I asked if I could take dance classes. Basically I was laughed at. Especially when my brother was the absolute picture of masculinity. I was laughed at. My father also made frequent comments in the privacy of our home about my body. I was not musclebound like my brother and was not thin. This began the first of many problems.
My freshman year of high school I spiralled into a secret eating disorder. I stopped eating unless I had to at home in which case I would throw up everything I ate. I lost 40 pounds in about 3 months putting me down to 98 pounds at 5' 9". My dad of course made more comments now about me being too thin and weak to be a man. I would spend lunch hour in the theatre at school begging my dancer friends to teach me everything they knew. I realized I would never be able to pursue a career in classical dance if I was a Jehovah's witness. So at sixteen I ( of my own doing this time) turned world upside down and ran away from home. I left my father a note explaining that I was dis-associating myself and that I was gay. I left a similar letter at the Kingdom Hall. I finished the last month of my senior year crashing on people's couches. After graduating I moved to the nearest city and tried to establish myself. At sixteen I was not successful. I couldnt get a job or get a car or apartment in my name. I spent nights on the streets or on friends couches, as I made friends that is. Desperate, I falsified my drivers license to say I was eighteen and went to the local gay nightclub and begged for work. I managed to get hired but was miserable.
One day an acquaintance asked me to accompany him to San Antonio for a weeklong trip to judge a dance competition. By a stroke of luck a company owner from Dallas met me and threw me into his piece two hours before the show as an audition to see how I worked under pressure. Afterwards he offered me a full scholarship to his dance school in Dallas, which was thirteen hours away from home. But two weeks later I left for Dallas with 80 dollars in my pocket and nowhere to stay except my car. My teacher heard about my situation and let me sleep on his couch until I got my own place. I had a meltdown however. I was overwhelmed from growing up in a small town and suddenly having to take care of myself at 17 in a big city. I panicked and drove home, leaving the school. I was devastated. I turned to unhealthy friends who were heavy drug users. I quickly became addicted to prescription pain killers, cocaine, and eventually meth. I tried to move to New York to again pursue my career, but the roomate I had been in contact with for six months had disappeared when I flew to New York. The apartment was vacated and I knew nobody else in the city. Can I also add this was my boyfriend I was supposed to be moving in with. I phoned his mother whom I had met once and discovered that he had a partner of three years he had been cheating on with me. He just didn't think I would actually follow through with the move and when I did he moved in with the partner and abandoned me.
At that point I had a major meltdown. I used all my money to get back home and into an apartment. On my lunch break from the job I found one day I phoned the local ballet company and asked if I could take classes. Having no experience they were skeptical but allowed me to come audition. I was given a spot in the lowest part of the company on the condition that I took every class offered at the company's ballet school, even the classes with little kids. I reached a breaking point with my addiction and went cold turkey. I locked myself in my bedroom for two weeks and derided myself. As soon as I could walk I went to dance class and began the tireless work I have never stopped since. I was promoted in 3 months to the rank of soloist and then after a year to principal, the youngest male ever to have that rank in the company's history. I made plans to finish my current season with the company and move to the state capital which boasted a major American ballet company and greater opportunities. I also decided to audition for the television show So You Think You Can Dance. I was sent to Vegas and actually made top 40. I was sent home though so I just resumed finishing the season with my company. Two weeks before my last show the transmission fell out of my car and I was planning on moving a week after my last show. I carried on though. The day of my final performance though I fell out of a leap and shattered bones in my right foot, sprained my ankle, and caused ligament damage. I was unable to walk for 8 weeks and quarantined from dancing for 3 months. I just passed the four month mark and am getting my strength back finally. I moved a week after the show anyways despite not being able to walk. I am currently establishing myself here but with far more life experience than my New York and Dallas experiences. Two years have passed since those drug-induced, eating disorder ridden days and I am far more thick skinned now. I still struggle everyday with constantly feeling inadequate and misunderstood, and basically everything else you all mention on this site. But I do not regret running away from home 4 years ago in the least and want anyone who wants to get out but is scared to know that it gets better! I made a lot of mistakes which hopefully you can avoid by hearing others experiences but I am 20 years old now and having an immensely fulfilling an beautiful life. And for the first time I have people in my life who love me because of who I am as a person and not how good of a witness I am. I wish everyone else could experience this joy.
Thanks for reading I am sorry it was so long. I tried to paraphrase but I had a lot to say. again so happy to find this site!!!!
