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Thank you for your welcoming and support. I really need this, and like someone said that there is a lot that can be done with a therapist... I've been working on regaining trust to work with others again. Since the group I belonged to was a personal growth group/self help focus. I do want to trust and work with others, I am just somewhat afraid to do so yet.. maybe this is why I am here now, because I can know that people here have been through something similar and with the anonymity here it is relatively safe. I am also afraid of working with someone who would only think I am crazy and want to prescribe me medicines. Though I have considered this as well. Sometimes my anxiety is so great I can't stand it.

I've been having some major downs and some neutrals too.

So anyhow I crashed majorly and it's been challenging to recover. I am not really sure where in the world that I belong and I am not sure if I will ever really find this place called home. I think what I miss most is the belonging and the community that I had when I was with them regardless of being abused and mistreated. The loneliness and lack of support is what I am having the hardest time with. I really would like to have a friend here that I can be open and be myself with 100% and not have to hide parts of me that are not "acceptable" or normal.

Another thing I have been working on in my life is making my own decisions and having them be ones that benefit me... and not falling prey to doing the will of others or following their beliefs or directives. I got into this lease here in Asheville, NC for 6 months and it is more house than I am comfortable with and it is more money than I am comfortable with. I am living above my means and it makes me feel very uneasy. I am watching my savings account dwindle and I am going to run out sometime in the next few months if nothing changes with work.

In regards to work I have a masters degree in Landscape Architecture, I worked on going to school for the last 8 years because I wanted to be able to do something that i enjoyed doing and be able to make a sustainable income to take care of myself with. I am now graduated and the economy is in the trash and not many are hiring... Why I came to Asheville, I am now really doubting myself for... this is an economically depressed area and while more people are spiritual which is what I was looking for, I still just don't quite fit in or belong. And there so far are no jobs that are opening to me. I am about to go to a taco bell or other fast food establishment to hopefully get work. I feel that a lot of the lower classified jobs don't' want to hire me because i am over qualified and they think I will simply leave them when I get a good job. Which is true but that good job may take me a few years to come to. And in the mean while they would have someone very dedicated to work for them.

I am about to want to up and move again. I have traveled all across the country and I have no idea where I belong. I have always wanted to live by the sea. Near the beach... I also feel like I am having problems with the gloomy dark weather we have been having here. I feel like i need the sun again. After living in the desert for such a long time I am accustomed to receiving 360/365 days a year of sunshine. I am finding it hard to be without that, but yet do not want to return to the desert either. Because I do not want to be close to those people I left from the cult. I'd really love to live somewhere in-between central CA to Northern CA, more central though for the sun. Also a lot of the plants that grow there are more akin to what I know and love from the desert. I am not sure I really like the plants on the east coast. Or rather, they are just not quite as special. Though I have to say that I wouldn't mind working in a green house. I think that would make me feel better. I know it is contrary to what I just wrote but I still do enjoy being with plants. Maybe because they are safe.