Making myself nuts! I need some candid, honest assessments here. in Helping and Discussion Board for Ex-JWs Forum

RSS
Email

0 Points

Making myself nuts! I need some candid, honest assessments here.

Author	Comment
Sillygirl.geoparent	Making myself nuts! I need some candid, honest assessments here.	Lead	[-]
Bronze Level Member Posts: 35 Feb 8 12 1:25 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	I have been fading for a while now. I have participated in some holidays, etc. I have a lot of family that are still JWs that do not know this. Here is the thing: I am not the sort of person who is good at/has any interest in sneaking around, especially at my age! I do not like that I have to be terrified to let my children see the rest of my family because I am afraid they will accidentally tell my family about what fun we've had with the holidays! I am very tired of the worrying, and biting my tongue, and trying very hard not to let something slip. I hate it. I feel like I am still being held hostage by their rules even though I have made it obvious I am not interested in being one of Jehovah's Witnesses any longer! So, I stand to lose pretty much my entire side of my immediate family if I decide to come clean and tell them I am living the way I want to. My family all lives nearby, so it's not like I would never see them anyway. This also makes it much harder to make a clean break. Please share your thoughts and experiences about when you "came out" to your family (i.e. how did they react?), are you glad you did or do you wish you had kept up the facade? How do you deal with not having those relationships anymore? I wish so badly I could give more specific information, but I have to keep it so, so general here. Edited to correct spelling. Eek! Last Edited By: Sillygirl Feb 8 12 1:37 PM. Edited 1 time.
pcangel		#1	[-]
MVP (Most Valuable Poster)+ Posts: 1178 Feb 8 12 1:34 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	I was in the same position at one time. Scared to death they would find out and scared my son would slip up. But over time I just cared a little less and a little less. I would make small comments like when my sister would ask what I was doing on Thanksgiving day since she was off I would tell her I was going to be at my husband's families house. I never had to come right out and formally announce anything...they just figured it out and eased into it with me. I know some families would be alot more prone to "out" a person but my family just sort of let it go. Since I started fading I have lost most of my family (my mom is pretty much estranged, my dad died, etc...) so there isn't any fear left. I have been out 14 years. It gets easier as time goes on. Esp when you really start to realize that your an adult and it is your choice and your choice only what you choose to believe and it is up to you to decide what your children will be allowed to do or what have you. I know your in a stressful position but for me hiding it just wasn't worth it. Even tho I didn't scream it from the roof tops. But in most cases like this, if they don't already know they probably have some clue. Good luck!!!
redheadsquaddie		#2	[-]
Platinum Level Member Posts: 387 Feb 8 12 2:18 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	My Dear silly girl I have had to tell some one a secret of my own today and its never easy but what would you like love and respect under false pretences or the real thing and that's I'm afraid the only game in town Sad But True If you want respect first you have to show respect and truthfulness is the first step to respect so I would tell them all the score and those that do love you will understand and those that don't love you never did and never will but be prepared for rejection whether you feel its justified or not as they have a choice as well and respect and the right to choose works both ways. So its just a straight choice so sorry to be so brutal but what is just IS Red xxx
cangie		#3	[-]
MVP (Most Valuable Poster)+ Posts: 1164 Feb 8 12 2:55 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	Isn't it amazing, Sillygirl, that for all their claims of having "the truth", that hearing the truth is the last thing that the JW's are prepared to do? . One of my favorite quotes comes from the children's author, Dr Seuss, who says "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Of course, I know that is easier said than done in our dealings with them, but I hope you find a way to resolve this in a way that gives you the least heartache. And Red, I know your friend will give you the respect you deserve for your being brave enough to share your secrets . Last Edited By: cangie Feb 8 12 6:21 PM. Edited 1 times.
Lostconfusedalone		#4	[-]
Platinum Level Member Posts: 329 Feb 8 12 6:18 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	I don't have alot of advice as I'm going thru this myself but my plan is to keep the facade but if someone ever asks me a direct question I answer it with complete honesty. And then, if they don't like it my response is "well I'm showing you respect by being honest with you, would you rather I lie to your face?" people usually back down after that. Good luck with it all mate, we're always here for you “The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” -Lao Tzu
Rubadubdub		#5	[-]
MVP (Most Valuable Poster) Posts: 779 Feb 8 12 6:54 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	Silly girl! I didn't think I had something to say about your question at first, because (with the exception of my in-laws who live 500 miles away and do not know that I walked away last July 3), I am the last one in my family to leave the organization. I have been in the shoes your JW family members will be wearing when they find out you are no longer a JW, if they don't already know. I was terribly hurt, felt betrayed and lied to; I greived. And yet as the years rolled by, I could see my family living their life the way they chose to, and they were happier for it. I was miserable and alone. As the GB increased the pressure to shun those I loved, as they increased the pressure to do more and cranked up the volume on the doomsday rhetoric, I found myself unable to shun my family-- my husband, my daughter, and especially my son who was betrayed by his JW wife and nearly died of a broken heart. I am telling you that you need to do what is right for you and your own little family. You can't live your JW family's lives for them. You just may be the one to lead the way out for the rest of them. You will need to be brave and have courage, but I know you can do this. I have seen it in my own life. I felt most betrayed when my husband left, but in my heart I was proud to see my kids live their lives and heal their wounds. Living in two different worlds causes what is known as cognitive dissonance. This can make you crazy, in the end I was immobilized by being torn between two different worlds. I laid on the couch for months not knowing what to do. When I finally did get to a meeting and there was a part about doing more in the ministry, because the time is so short and peoples lives are in danger, something switched inside my brain. I just could not bear to hear those words again. In my brain they were telling me your family is going to die. Your children are going to die. Being in "the Truth" nearly killed me. Now I am out, and I still have anxiety, panic attacks and nightmares. I had PTSD prior to leaving, so hopefully you won't experience things at that level. The thing is every day I seem to get a little stronger. I have my kids 100% back in my life! And I celebrated the holidays with them for the first time in 42 years. It was amazing. No one deserves to be put in the position of choosing between family and religion. My wish for you is that as you make this decision, that you can hold your head high, knowing you are building a stronger family of your own, one in which no one of you would even entertain the thought of shunning another. And you will be leaving footprints for your JW family members to follow should they awaken to the real truth. May you have peace in your heart, dear Silly girl! Kindness (Stanza 3) Before you know kindness /as the deepest thing inside, /you must know sorrow /as the other deepest thing. /You must wake up with sorrow. /You must speak to it till your voice /catches the thread of all sorrows /and you see the size of the cloth. /Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore, /only kindness that ties your shoes /and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread, /only kindness that raises its head /from the crowd of the world to say /it is I you have been looking for, /and then goes with you everywhere /like a shadow or a friend. Naomi Shihab Nye (1953-) http://www.wussu.com/poems/nsnkind.htm Last Edited By: Rubadubdub Feb 9 12 11:41 AM. Edited 1 times.
punkofnice		#6	[-]
Posts: 5418 Feb 9 12 1:32 AM Forum Moderator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	cangie wrote: Dr Seuss, who says "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Oh, I love this. What a brilliant quote!! This is similar to what an aposta-friend said to me: 'Those that truly love you will continue to do so. Those that shun you were not worth bothering with in the first place.' Honesty is the core of the replies I've seen here. It's true! You can't live your life like a double agent so, as hard as it is, come out and be honest. You might be surprised that it doesn't cause as much consternation as you at first thought....I could be wrong as I don't know your folks. None of us like confrontation unless we're a neanderthal dimwit. (No offence to neanderthals...........well, not much....). But we are a better person for being open and honest. We'll never please everybody. We've got to keep a stiff upper lip. When making an omlette we have to break a few eggs and throw away the shells. The motto I live by is in my signature below-------------------\/ \/ \/ \/ anyway let us know how you get on with whatever your decide. Regards Paul (MDA - Mentally diseased apostate)! *Just remember. Neither The Watchtower(TM) nor the elders(TM) nor anyone in the 'truth'(TM) have any authority over you. Once you accept this you're well on your way to living!* Paint jobs on some familiar magazines and 'dublications' of the washtowel are kept here >> http://exjehovahswitnessforum.yuku.com/topic/17962/Some-Familiar-Publications-given-the-paint-job Join me on FACEBOOK http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002619536657 Join me on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/user/PuNkOfNiCe?feature=mhee
gettingbetter		#7	[-]
Silver Level Member Posts: 86 Feb 9 12 7:49 AM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	Welcome, sillygirl! I too have been in your shoes (full story under gettingbetter's story). I did tell my family I don't agree with the WBTS and would no longer be attending meetings. I celebrate the holidays and birthdays, but they don't ask and I don't wave it in their faces, so I have a somewhat limited relationship with them. I faded so in a lot of ways its been easier for me than many others here who are full-out shunned. It will permanently change your relationship with your family, so take your time. The freedom of not walking that fine line is great when you are ready for it. And to echo the others on here, the more experience you have with relationships that aren't contingent on you meeting a bunch of rules, but because others genuinely like you and want a 2-way experience with you, the less likely you will be to bend over backwards to please your family. Good luck and thanks for joining the discussion. You came to the right place if you want honesty and encouragement!
ceej		#8	[-]
MVP (Most Valuable Poster) Posts: 554 Feb 9 12 2:36 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	Please share your thoughts and experiences about when you "came out" to your family (i.e. how did they react?) My mother was very upset at first. I had driven to her house and told her as soon as i walked into the house 'I'm being disfellowshipped'. She looked at me in disbelief and said 'but you only have to say you're sorry jonathan' and she began to cry. Unfortunetly at the time i'd gone through a period where i was doubting god and felt i was mentally ill for not believing in him (but i was actually going through some stuff to be honest). I had lost all hope and felt what i was doing was useless, and so had let somthing 'immoral' happen. I told her my problems and i thought she had listened. I heard a while after that my mum had told her friend that i 'had a wicked heart.' I couldn't believe it, but she hasn't spoke to me ever since i told her about a year a go now. My dad doesn't speak to me either. Are you glad you did or do you wish you had kept up the facade? For me i'd imagine fading although it doesn't have the sudden shock factor a disfellowshipped one will encounter, you're kind of just putting off something that is inevitable. I would find fading very hard in that aspect. It's like you're borrowing time, but you're treading on eggshells just to be able to have a 'relationship'. I can't stand that guilty feeling and it's no way to live your life. How do you deal with not having those relationships anymore? For me, learning that i was raised in a cult, and realising my parents are still in a cult, helps me understand why i most likely will not have a relationship with them ever again. They only wanted me to obey them and their religion or else i would be an outcast in their eyes. If that's how things are, then it's no relationship anyway. I've gone through rough stages but i keep learning. Also coming to this forum to keep reasurring myself i'm not insane helps as well. You only have one life, and you shouldn't have to go through life depending on people, they will all be gone one day anyway.
Rubadubdub		#9	[-]
MVP (Most Valuable Poster) Posts: 779 Feb 9 12 3:31 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	ceej wrote: For me i'd imagine fading although it doesn't have the sudden shock factor a disfellowshipped one will encounter, you're kind of just putting off something that is inevitable. I would find fading very hard in that aspect. It's like you're borrowing time, but you're treading on eggshells just to be able to have a 'relationship'. I can't stand that guilty feeling and it's no way to live your life. I agree, fading is like borrowing time. You will likely end up being marked, DF'd or DA'd and even if that doesn't happen, you will be considered spiritually weak, and you will be shunned anyway. This is called pre-emptive shunning from what I hear. I think it really is about how much can you stomach to retain conditional relationships. I don't have a stomach for it and am preparing for whatever may come my way. I believe I have posted enough on this forum (even excluding the private section) for local dubs to identify me. Maybe I'm looking for that, because I really don't care anymore. Kindness (Stanza 3) Before you know kindness /as the deepest thing inside, /you must know sorrow /as the other deepest thing. /You must wake up with sorrow. /You must speak to it till your voice /catches the thread of all sorrows /and you see the size of the cloth. /Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore, /only kindness that ties your shoes /and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread, /only kindness that raises its head /from the crowd of the world to say /it is I you have been looking for, /and then goes with you everywhere /like a shadow or a friend. Naomi Shihab Nye (1953-) http://www.wussu.com/poems/nsnkind.htm Last Edited By: Rubadubdub Feb 9 12 6:21 PM. Edited 1 times.
auth		#10	[-]
MVP (Most Valuable Poster)+ Posts: 1067 Feb 9 12 3:50 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	That was really powerful ceej. I don't have the same experience of being completely shunned by close family as I wasn't dunked. But your attitude towards it is something I can borrow for other apsects of my life. Like coping with extremely traumatic childhood events when I have no one I feel comfortable leaning on. Sometimes being my own rock gets hard so your last paragraph was encouraging. We all have our own burdens to bear but we can also draw strength from what others are managing to fight through. Sillygirl, I doubt I'm the right person to give advice but it really comes down to what is more important to you. Is it having a relationship with family who may shun you if you don't pretend to stay in their religion or is it openly living the life you want for yourself and children? There is no judgement attached to this question though the answer may seem obvious. You have to be fully prepared for what might happen. But remember that you're under no obligation to officially 'come clean'. You could start 'not caring' without actually dissassociating. Someone could make an issue and start judicial proceedings that lead to disfellowshipping but you could ignore that as well. Ultimately it would be up to your family to push you out of their lives.
Sillygirl.geoparent		#11	[-]
Bronze Level Member Posts: 35 Feb 9 12 5:06 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	ceej wrote: I told her my problems and i thought she had listened. I heard a while after that my mum had told her friend that i 'had a wicked heart.' I couldn't believe it, but she hasn't spoke to me ever since i told her about a year a go now. My dad doesn't speak to me either. That is what is hard for me- I know my parents took great pride in having all their children "in" even into adulthood. This will crush them, no matter what my reasons are. For me i'd imagine fading although it doesn't have the sudden shock factor a disfellowshipped one will encounter, you're kind of just putting off something that is inevitable. I would find fading very hard in that aspect. It's like you're borrowing time, but you're treading on eggshells just to be able to have a 'relationship'. I can't stand that guilty feeling and it's no way to live your life. So true. And our conversations show me that even though I have made no secret that I am not interested in being one of JWs anymore, they still expect me to follow their rules! They really look with disdain at people who begin celebrating holidays after they leave. For me, learning that i was raised in a cult, and realising my parents are still in a cult, helps me understand why i most likely will not have a relationship with them ever again. They only wanted me to obey them and their religion or else i would be an outcast in their eyes. If that's how things are, then it's no relationship anyway. I've gone through rough stages but i keep learning. Also coming to this forum to keep reasurring myself i'm not insane helps as well. You only have one life, and you shouldn't have to go through life depending on people, they will all be gone one day anyway. I wholeheartedly agree. I don't like what this sneaking around teaches my children, and I already feel like I've wasted enough of their little years doing nothing that I don't want to have to keep anything under wraps anymore. I've watched a few things on cults and many people lose their parents due to different belief systems. I feel damned if I do, damned if I don't though. I worry how it will affect my children if their extended family stops seeing them anymore because I couldn't handle the facade. Then again, it's not fair to have them watch every word all the time either. See! This is why I'm making myself nuts! Thank you all so much for your responses so far. I have more to say, but I have to go now. Thanks again!
AndriaSyxx		#12	[-]
Posts: 28584 Feb 11 12 10:09 AM Forum Moderator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	I'm one of the more fortunate ones SillyG ..... as I walked out of the religion, lost my family for a few months (their choice not mine) and eventually got them back after simply digging in my heels and reminding them over quick cuppas and chats ... that regardless of my lack of their faith, I was still the same old me. Not everyone is able to keep their family and leave the borg ... but it can be done. We've certainly had our moments and there will be more to come given my mum is unwell with blood cancer and both my parents are 'people of a certain age' who are about to have more bits drop off as is the norm this time of their lives ...... but on the whole they've been actively part of my life despite the ups and downs ... AND despite the ups and downs of their own lives. I used to joke that they cannot live without me ...... and I STILL joke about that Sneaking around is unhealthy in the long term. Maybe your best bet is to say that you're taking time out to live life how you and hubby see fit ... that the kids are happy ... and you're all still the same and you love them all dearly. If they start with the 'end of the world is close by' crap ... give them a hug, tell them that you love them and that it's your choice in life to do what's right for your family. With your kids ... tell them the truth. Let them know that their extended rellies are under the control of a religion and have to behave a certain way to be accepted by all of their religious friends ... and that even though they may no longer want to see them or spend time with them ... deep down in their hearts they love your kids to bits and always will. Kids are far more accepting of being shunned than adults .... as they are used to that kind of childish behaviour in the local school playground! If you cop opposition ... don't get cross ... get cuddly! "Walk your life without fear. Walk strong." ~ advice from Rafaela of the Raramuri - Mexico ~
Sillygirl.geoparent	Update	#13	[-]
Bronze Level Member Posts: 35 Feb 26 12 4:03 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	Well, I am officially being shunned by one family member, we will see if the rest follow. They let me know they found out about a holiday I had participated in, and from now on it would be family business only. I feel awful and numb at the same time. It's weird- I am usually a crier, but I can't bring myself to cry. I have had some awful moments where I think, "If I just go back, everything can return to normal," but how could I do that to my kids? No matter how badly I wish I could force myself to believe, I've tried that, and I know I can't do it. Furthermore, I know I can't subject my kids to that life when I don't even believe it. I think they are just happy to now have a way to brand me as a bad person, whereas before I was inactive because of the injustices I saw. Now I am living up to the expectations of a "wicked one." Makes me sad and panic-y. I just keep thinking that I will never have another family dinner or anything with them, and it makes me sad not only for myself, but for my kids, because I know how much they love it when the whole family gets together, and that's what really breaks my heart- knowing they will never have that again. Then again, I also know they'll never be faced with the decision I am faced- live true to themselves and face losing their parents, or live a lie and be a "big happy family". I feel so numb... it's weird.
ThanxButNo		#14	[-]
Gold Level Member Posts: 167 Feb 26 12 4:59 PM Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	Reading all of this makes me want to run through the house screaming! Okay, I won't do that, but I have to say, I just can not see myself being a part of a religion (cult) where I would constantly be walking on eggshells out of fear of saying or doing the "wrong" thing. I am a non-Witness (I studied, though) and I find myself reluctant to say or ask anything of other Witnesses I know because I don't know if they've been DF'd or DA'd or what. It makes my head hurt. It's not normal. It's not normal. It's. Not. Normal.
AndriaSyxx		#15	[-]
Posts: 28584 Feb 26 12 5:10 PM Forum Moderator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts	The WBTS hierarchy should all be shot for their bad behaviour and highly superior attitude that they've forced onto everyone else below them Sillygirl! What a truly horrendous religion to preach love and acceptance ... and yet practice shunning and dark frowny faces. So sad that so many people are led so bloody easily into behaving like a bunch of primary school kids in the playground eh! Don't let your family and other former jdub friends drag you down any longer. They are living in fear ... too scared to live, too scared to die ... it's that age-old jdub training and indoctrination that has taken them over. The world is NOT ending any time soon and there never will be eternal life on a paradise earth. It's all about bunches of like-minded, highly indoctrinated people being controlled by a group of men who push the religious ideals of a man who died decades ago. You're not a wicked person. You are a courageous person who has decided to stop living a lie and paying lip service to a religion she no longer believes in. That takes courage. It's not an 'easy way out' nor have you been 'easily lured' out of the religion for that matter. You are doing what's right for yourself and for your little family ....... which is more than can be said for the majority of jdubs who blindly follow the religion and its many weird doctrines. You're protecting your children and their future happiness .... which is an amazingly strong stance given the way your family have reacted already. I feel very sad for them and I admire you. Rather than hide things from your kids ... be honest with them. Tell them why Aunty So&So or Grandpa has cut you off ..... blame the religion and let the kids know that some people feel they have to behave a certain way in order to stay in favour with the other religious people they hang out with. That's how I explained to our kids why my parents don't do the birthday or Christmas thing ..... and over the past few years my boys have gone from being surprised at the various jdub-isms ...... to shaking their heads and feeling sorry for the average jdub caught up in that mess. Let them brand you whatever they've been taught to brand you Sillygirl ....... but don't let them drag you down emotionally or mentally. Keep in touch ... even if it's via email or a nice card in the post ........... that way you're rising above their shunning behaviour and letting them know you still love them regardless of how they treat you. You don't have to take any crap from anyone ....... but you can stand your ground and continue protecting your little ones. ((( hugs ))) "... Don't let inherited or programmed fear and guilt drag you down ... life is for living not being afraid to live ... so celebrate your freedom!"

<< Previous Topic Next Topic >>

Yuku free message boards

Making myself nuts! I need some candid, honest assessments here.

Making myself nuts! I need some candid, honest assessments here.