I’ve recently joined the forum and been looking at a post made by TimothyJT from one year ago. I am an active JW and MS in my cong. I also have other responsibilities in a neighbouring cong.
The post was interesting to me because it shows Timothy’s struggle with homosexual desires and the obvious issues being a JW. I likewise have been fighting these desires for most of my adult life! Over the past few months I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety because I can’t seem to control these feelings anymore!
I have never discussed this with anyone, just recently a close friend has sensed something is wrong and I’ve come close to telling her. The only thing is she is my ex-girlfriend! My mum became a JW when I was 8, I have 3 other brothers none of whom decided to stay in the org. Just my mum and I are witnesses in my family.
Like Tim, I realised in my early teens – about 13, that I had an attraction to men. Like a good JW I fought these feelings and tried to convince myself I wasn’t gay. I read all the articles and it said attraction to same sex is common when young… but now in my mid-twenties I still have the same feelings.
I’ve dated some sisters, the most recent just over a yr ago, and for a while I wondered if I could have a ‘normal’ life like others around me in the cong… get married, have kids etc… but it just wasn’t working! Our relationship was strained and it came to end, but now she’s like my best friend! Despite the fact we share a lot, I really don’t know if I can tell her this as it could devastate our friendship, plus I think she still likes me but I don’t have the heart to tell her I’m not attracted to her anymore!
I think it started to make a bit more sense to me when I recently spent 2 months in China with some friends (a witness couple). While there, I encountered some people (not JW) who had homosexual desires (most of them suppressed). I couldn’t help but wonder why… due to the fact that gay people in China are generally ostracised and from a very young age they are indoctrinated to get married, have kids and make money!
The same is true with me… for those of us who were raised in the org we’re indoctrinated that homosexuality is wrong and of course the Bible says that I know. Yet the desires still persist for many like me so we’re left in this no-man’s land and struggling to find happiness.
It’s made me realise that maybe it’s just the way we are and we none of us chose this but it’s who we are – whether that be genetic or not I don’t know. It could be since nothing in my upbringing has told me its right, but I still can’t shake these feelings. Those of you with similar feelings reading this and having a similar background will know that this is a very lonely place to be in...
...If anyone reading this is having the same dilemma I would really love to hear your thoughts as Tim said, it’s good to discuss this with those of like mind.
I live in the UK by the way and the name is my Chinese one but I’m not Chinese! Lol