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I can relate. I don't usually talk about it but since nobody who's responded has been in your shoes...
I never tell others I'm 'gay' because of what it might conjure up. Many people think you're automatically promiscuous and have some STD.
In fact, I (and others) do not live a stereotypical gay lifestyle and have been celibate my whole life (now in early thirties).

Like you, I faced a rather lengthy struggle before finally realizing and admitting what was 'wrong'.
I recall that I knew instinctively and subconsciously from my early teens.
I remember that the scriptures quoted to denounce the evil of homosexuality would hit me particularly hard.
But it wasn't a conscious thing; I just sort of knew that I was being condemned.

There is also the factor that I was sexually molested as a pre-teen and once I understood what happened I did associate homosexuality with evil.
For a long time, in accordance with popular opinion, I wondered if this imposition somehow changed me and it made me particularly reluctant to accept being gay. Now I know that this is nonsense.
Many gay people were abused as children because they were targetted since they displayed a certain gender non-conformity. http://pediatrics.aappubl...012/02/15/peds.2011-1804
In restrospect, the implication that some people become gay because of enjoying childhood abuse is insulting. Is that why many girls who were sexually molested by males still decide to find a husband?

In any case, I viewed myself as having a sinful blemish and, in my early 20s, committed myself quite seriously to the JW religion in an effort to eradicate my feelings.
Like you, after a few years I realized that they weren't going anywhere. But I still believed in the doctrine and was still willing to become a JW.
I was going to be single anyway (despite signs of interest from an attractive sister) so JW busywork would be something to do and I may become 'normal' in the NW.
That all broke down when I confronted my doubts about the religion, learned the truth about it, and was forced to gradually face reality.

Nontheless, it was four years after having stopped attending meetings that I said to myself, "Oh my God, I'm GAY".
It was the first time I'd ever admitted it to myself. From a young age I'd split off that part of me and disowned it so I'd never considered myself gay.
There was a bit of moaning and depression and 'why me' but that was eventually replaced with greater self-awareness and self-acceptance.
I'm getting to a place where if I found true love with someone of the 'wrong' gender I'd be able to accept it rather than run away.

My current view is that sexual orientation is almost certainly decided by generic factors. In fact, gender is a lot more fluid than our fiction of blue male and pink female.
There are people born with both sexual organs and people who are XY and have 'hidden' male organs but look female because their bodies are androgen insensitive.
Homosexuality is a bit more subtle because there need not be blatant physical clues. Nonetheless, I've read that people prefer the sweat odors of those who are sexually compatible and that ovulating females have better 'gaydar'.
So we're adapted to process many things on a subsconscious level. While homosexuality is relatively uncommon I no longer think it's unnatural; it is a product of nature.

So, I hope that helps lanhaotian, from someone with a parallel experience about 5 years displaced.
Who knows why we were destined to walk this path but we sure as hell did not ask for it.
Like you, I've imagined a 'normal' life before concluding that it wouldn't work and I'd eventually crush somebody's heart.
Only someone completely ignorant can say people choose to be gay. But ignorance about marginalized people is frequently championed.

Hi lanhaotian,

Thanks for the comments.
I liked reading your story.

Anyway, only you can make the decision of whether to tell your Ex. Have you ever told anyone (in person) about your sexual orientation? That's a pretty big step.
Also, are you still an active JW and is she a JW? Even if you consider her a dear friend she might view your revelation as tantamount to an admission of serious sin and feel compelled to go to the elders.
Many people view homosexuality as participation in certain sexual behaviour not a sexual orientation. IOW, saying you're gay means you're actively having intercourse with the same gender.
They can't seem to draw analogy to their straight selves given that they knew who they wanted to be close to before they ever created the experience.
So if you were to tell her, you'd probably be better off phrasing it in terms of a 'struggle with feelings' rather than a final determination of your identity (even if you're pretty clear on it now).

What do you want to get out of telling her? Is that outcome likely? Only you can tell based on how well you know her as a person.
Can you judge whether her natural compassion would be able to transcend what she was taught as a JW?
Consider the difficulties you had accepting yourself because of everything you've been taught, despite the natural power of self-love.
Someone who doesn't have to confront their own soul would find it a lot harder to broaden their mind in a close-minded environment.
But I recall a poster who told his wife and said she was supportive even as they separated. So it really comes down to individuals. You have to judge.

I think just lately I've realised how empty I feel after doing these things... the joy I used to experience is now replaced with immense feelings of guilt. I don't really blame the org for that, in reality they are just re-iterating what the Bible teaches. I know it would be better for me if I didn't feel the way I do... but no matter how hard I try... Indifferent I don't know if any reading this still attends some meetings, but if you know about the recent circuit programme, you'll know there was a very specific symposium on bringing reproach on Jehovah's name. It mentioned social networking and pornography and it pretty much left anyone who had been doing these things as completely worthless and dirty! Well... On those two counts I fall down.

It was the same for me. I put in a lot of effort but it all seemed pointless because Jehovah knew my thoughts anyway.
I stopped attending meetings a while ago but I do know that sense of feeling physically assaulted by certain things that are said from the podium.
No porn, no masturbation, no relationships, as long as you live. How does one remain sane?
Obviously I ignored some of that 'counsel' on ocassion but I sure felt bad about it.

The truth is that any time I've got into discussion with witnesses about these points the conversation generally ends with the comment... 'we just have to trust the organisation.' And also I've noticed over the past year the number of times it's been recommended that brothers pray for the GB in their prayers to the point now where bros that don't say this are made to feel wrong.

There are sound reasons for your doubts about the religion as the "truth".
If you're no longer afraid of what you might find start doing some research!
http://www.jwfacts.org is a good place to start.

All the best!