hi all
it has been a while since i posted. since i posted last i have decided to go travelling with my boyfriend. not on a 'i cant come back for a year' type of thing but more of a ' well if my parents are refusing my help and my dads not getting any iller and they are causing so much pressure on my life that i am on the brink of a nervous breakdown and my relationship with my boyfriend is struggling to survive the stress and i am fed up of being homeless due to being unable to live with my jw parents and unable to live with my bf because of them. so i will escape the pressure and meander around europe in a van with my bf, trying to enjoy life but i will come back any time my parents need me' sort of thing. so my parents know my bf but only as a friend. they suspect were going out but have never pushed the matter.
but today. (2 years into an excruciating double life filled with lies and complex stories and horrible horrible pain in trying to keep parents from pain and allow me the chance to someday move in with my 'friend' and some day several years on happen to decide we are in love at which point hopefully parents will have had enough time and chance turning a blind eye to their suspicions that they may if i am lucky still speak to me and not report me years after fading from the jws.) today, 1 week from dissapearing off to europe, i was with my mum and speaking to a friend who they also know and she accidentally referred to my bf as my boyfriend rather then my friend. i simply said, 'no my FRIEND' mum went tense and casually wandered off to compose herself briefly, then the whole day on and she has carefully not said anything about it. you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. but i cant bring it up as then it looks suspicious. i want her to say something as then i can just shrug it off as my friend teasing me as my man and i spend so much time together it has become her running tease to say we are together. but whether or not i say that there is now that confirmation in her mind to her that her suspicions are right. so now she's going to know i lie about that stuff, now the suspicions will be too much to stick to my plan and have a future with my man and my family intact. this whole thing has already made me physically very ill. and i continually feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown. and the anger and hate at the witnesses ad what they are forcing me to become and do living a lie to keep my family has changed me into such a horrible person. 1 week and i am off but it is not enough time now to settle my parents mind that nothing is going on. gah, i really just hate so so much.
