i was the "it" I was forgotten and it was common knowledge that I was worth nothing, partially due to a mentally ill mother, whom hated daughters,;wanted only sons. I was a disappointment. It was then that I would wake up to fights between them sexual in nature. At the time I was only 3-6 years old and still didn't understand.
My fathers rapid perversions were becoming more and more overt. My mothers hatred grew for me. I had always believed that my father was disfellowshipped for showing up drunk, THAT was not the case. That fight so many year earlier was about him molesting a 13 year old young girl in the congregation. He was disfellowshipped, and so were we. I remembered being happy there even though I didn't really know what it was.
As time pasted, my mother and father fought more and it was always about my father and many women and young girls. My father just beat her mercilously.
At 11 or 12 my father molested my friend on a sleepover, I was there and witnessed the whole thing.
As as soon as I reached puberty I was mercilessly beaten by my mother who accused me of having sex with my father. The beatings were daily and lasted 3-4 years. As I said I was the "it" my mother would antagonize my brothers to beat me for her pleasure.
By this time I was already trying to commit suicide by slitting my wrists and taking bottles of aspirin. I truly wanted a way out and death was my best way. My mother joined me by forcing 2 bottles of aspirins down my throat forcing water in my mouth to accomplish this. I went to school crying everyday because she took pleasure in waking me up by grabbing my hair and throwing me on the hardwood floors. The best was still to come. When my father returned home she would tell him that I woke up like a "bitch" so he would beat then ground me.
I Finally left home to drugs, alcohol, permiscuity, low selfesteme, 2 illegitamite children and every relationship was abusive.
To-date, I have had no contact with her in 23 years, however I can now sympathize with her but forgiveness comes with ownership.
I have had no contact with him since 2010 when I began recalling the vile things he did to my 11 year old friend and his lack of responsibility in his marriage and to his children.
Im self destructive. I've been to way too much therapy and yet I'm still bound by memories.