I have been disfellowshipped for three years, due to my continuing to look at gay porn. I am gay. I live with my boyfriend of one and a half years. We are relatively happy, even though some things are hard at times, naturally.
But I find myself missing my mom. We had been through so much together. But now we're over. I usually am relieved that we are over, because she also put me through a lot. But sometimes the sadness and the guilt and the worrying that she's okay overwhelms me.
I am finding it hard to adjust to this life. I find myself questioning everything. I don't know if there is a god. I don't know what there is in store for us in the future. I'm scared because I see grayness ahead of me, I see a life where my boyfriend is gone, I am aged and alone. But I was beyond alone in that religion. I got to hear how disgusting people like me are. And the guilt trips over everything, every little thing were exhausting. But now I find myself without direction.
So I guess I'm looking for closure. I want to be rid of this part of my life, at least the sad and hard parts. I want to move on and accept myself but it's terrifying. I would love to hear other's input. Especially any LGBT ex-JWs out there. Thank you for taking the time to read this.