Some of you doubtless remember me as "Dean," which is actually my middle name..but I was making an attempt at switching from my proper name "Rodney" and the various baggage it carries. I realize now it was a misguided effort, so just call me "Rod."
I've posted here many, many times, under various pseudonyms; I can't ever remember them all, but some judicious digging around would possibly find you some old posts of mine, especially the one detailing my experience growing up as a JW and the various sufferings that ensued that so influenced the rest of my life - a situation which many of you can identify with.
I don't intend to recount my experience now; it wouldn't be that useful given whats eating at me presently.
To be short about it, my Mother is on her way out, I'm pretty sure, after 85 years of life, and over 60 as a JW. Not dramatically, but slowly, gradually diminishing. I have been living with her since my Dad died, over ten years ago, so that she might get to spend her last years at home (prior to this I was married many years until I got divorced, blah blah)
She had a heart valve replacement five years ago, which slowed her down some, but over the past few months she's been slowing down more and more, evidencing behaviors that suggest she's tending towards giving up. So the specter of losing the second of my two parents raises its head. This brings with it issues that I must deal with (or choose not to deal with with, if such suggests a more pragmatic and promising course, in getting on with my life.)
- Guilt: I feel that I have done my very best by her, these ten years passing; indeed, some might say I've gone the extra mile. My social circle has shrunk as I've had to spend more time at home; I haven't really been anywhere or done anything for the longest time. When it was safe to leave her alone for several hours, I could get out of the house and get some respite. But now I'm pretty much here, 24/7. My younger brother is living here now, too, as he is recently divorced from his life and has big child support to pay. But I can't really count on him for respite; he works phenomenal hours, and all sorts of constantly migrating shifts; he is either not here or he is sleeping. My older sister and brother by rights ought to give me a break, but my sister is obviously clueless and obsessed with her grandbabies, and my older brother has some health issues that keep him under the weather part of the time.
UPSHOT OF ALL THIS: If she had to go into a resthome, let's say....it feels like it would an immense relief, like having a giant weight lifted off my shoulders. And I feel sort of guilty about this, although I know intellectually that these sorts of feelings are normal. I am only human/of flesh and blood I'm made.
- LOVE/HATE: I love my mother, but at the same time, there is much buried resentment in me for her raising me as a JW, and all the pain that came from this. It is possible for me to put it all aside and "provisionally forgive." I say "provisionally" because many of these memories can can still kick my angst into high gear. Part of me says that I should just write it all off; what's the point in hanging on, at alll. I'm in my 50s; might as well get on with the living.
There's more, but that's enough for now.